All well ends well...

      I did not expect much for this very day to turn out into a day I longed for since I invest a large sum of cash for this (to me it's really a large sum). I am still able to do achieve my objectives and also had an alternative ending to the night which I never expected that turn out in a way that I totally did not see from the beginning. I felt apprehensive over what I sacrifice for, I almost back off from this but tonight it made me realize that if things you want did not reach into your hands, better things will come for you. Something that comprehend with your feelings and thoughts, a natural sense of wants and belonging.
      It just does not feels like how it use to be for ditching your good friend  you know for quite some time for someone you do not really know at all. The attraction of the opposites just kills off your own nature and self-conscious, just made you into someone you are not. Which is a vital situation to be in, a firm grip must be held on your virtue and princips and never let it down unworthily.
      I manage to go for "Tyranny of 8" gig to meet up with my friend, just dropping by before heading on to a ball. Yes, the awkward moment being the only mass comm student to attend. Really glad to be sitted on the right table, ironically the name of the table is the name of hated-once-I-use-2-b-a-fan book/movie "twilight". Praise the good demon, I was sitted between two people whom I get to be friends with and able click really well. I would like to tell everyone not to miss a chance when you got it right in front of your eyes, do not hesitate if you really want it to be yours even for that moment. Because I blew that away with too much hesitation and doubts. Too much of a thought drives me into a state dilemma that will never end unless I decide firmly on what I choose, but what happen is due to my own actions and I face the consequences for it. If that is what you want, think less and do more, you only got one shot for that, it is now or never, and no matter what the effects are, at least you are courageous enough to stand up for your aims and desire (a proper desire).
      My mission had failed. Misleading recon of the whole situation. Anyway, things turn out well in the end. A night to enjoy with new people whom I considered as friends during the night and beyond into the future. Things did not turn out the way I expected, but it was still in a good way or even better. Something we could not tell in life, we will never expect how the plot will twist for you in the end, a subconscious mind that give you what you deserve better without realizing it...\m/...
    

The common tale to a wicked fail...

      When one live their lives with the will to learn and to being acceptance to every changes that comes and go, it is time where they will learn to reawaken from what they thought is the real world they live in. It is always fun to poke fun of people, getting the attention, gaining fame, brag about oneself over the capabilities they actually have, down-grading others to promote your own better abilities, what's worse humiliate your friends and create a not-so-good perception of your friends to others. There are more than just what is listed out, but it is enough being said for now. Many people tend to do things like that, because it is hell easy to be done and it gives a high satisfactory rate.Yes, laughter and many more laughter to you and those who lay upon their ears. What does it feel being the one who got laughed at for some embarrassing moments, moments that you only want to keep it under limited breach. As shitty as it may sound, its shittier to be one to feel it. You make others look bad in order to make yourself look good, you speak great of yourself in every ways, the awful pride you garner within your soul, you think other's could not do better than you, discriminate others in a way that is beneficial for you. Does it sound totally an act of absurdity? Do you realize that you actually are doing it without realizing it, because it feels good isn't it, yes, evil deeds are fun and easy to be done, even subconsciously. It is in-born within all of us. Self-control and humility plays an important role in the life of all humanity, moreover, an essence that strives people to their age of victories. Never it was in-born, but should be learnt, realize and cultivated within all. I know how people always say, why should we be someone we are not, let us just be ourselves. Being true to yourself in a way that takes away all your value, was never how people be themselves. If people were to always be themselves, to actually be TRUE, 99.99% of the human population in this world will be born despicable demons and filthy angels. Think about it, if you think you are really true to yourselves, why are you still following the rules, heeding the words of your parents, and instilling some pieces of moral values within yourself. Your self-control is there to not be the true demons you are, as the theory implies from the biblical review, humans like you and I are born sinners, we are sinners since the day we breath air out of our mother's womb. We are vulnerable to lust and desires, the feeling of false satisfaction, to satisfy our inner wants.
      Humility is one of the hardest value to be practiced among people. It takes hard work and self-control to let your ego and pride down for a time being. Many people do not want to feel defeated or be defeated in the eyes of the others. They want to show how big they can be, how big they can do and so on and so forth. Thus, competition is born among people. A good thing or the other way round? A debate that could go on for ages, but as for me personally, humility is one of the key to gain true respect from people. It is and never was easy to achieve that sense of value. As we all know, how technology has progress and how the world is becoming so competitive, so-called modern people see traditional values as something of the past that should not be placed in the present-modern-day, something they would always like to say "OUTDATED" or "OLD-FASHION". To what I see on people who thinks this way are naive, more naive than they could be. Those values aren't out just for fun, there are reason why it lasted for centuries and millenniums, there are reasons why it was created to be taught to the people of the world. Everyone of us has to admit we got our own ego and pride, sometimes it tends to get out of control. But think about it, successfully practicing a value that counter your hard super ego, isn't that an achievement that we should all be glad off because it is and never was easy to achieve. A true insight of the beauty off a decent and good life as a human being. We all end up getting sucked into our own ego and pride, raising and maintaining your pride by all means even to discriminate others, something we cannot be proud off. \m/

True pride...

      I see the people in many ways, I perceive the way of living in various ways, various solutions were up but only 1 path is to choose with their own individual pros and cons. After all this while, you are always angry at how people see in you, how people talk about you and how they perceive you. It may always seem it is intentionally to demoralize you, the words as sharp as the blade, that could pierce through anything especially your feeble heart and feelings. You are perceive to not able to give security to others, you cannot do it is what they tell you. Does not give you a chance to stand up for yourself.
      Should you take that into considerations and develop doubts within yourself? Should you be afraid to face others and do things they think you cannot do in front of others? Never ever let those words and thoughts influence the way you live, you know yourself better than anyone else but do not judge yourself, let others judge you how they want to, only use those relevant as a guide. Those judgment and words that comes to knife you down mercilessly shall be put aside to be cremated within your subconscious flame.
     Remember, you are who you are, your thoughts and beliefs is all yours, what they think of you or say of you is nothing but mere words from people who just could not think better for themselves and only see the weak point of others. You know your reason for the actions you do, you know the positivity it brings to you and those around you. Fear not the people, you are unique in your ways, your pride is yours and never was for the others. Be true to yourself and never change in order to be look upon in a certain group of people or to please people's expectations. One day, they will realize it...\m/...

Trivial as life could be, but never let it deceive the mind...

      Yesterday and yesterday, 2 yesterdays ago, what it seems to be another dull day with the usual event that occur just like any other day. He step out of his lair to prepare to go for his classes, there he met the common cat playing around at the stairs of his apartment. He stops in his track and play with the little furrrball for a moment, it started to follow him around for the moment before it began to attempt its way into his home. He got to chase it away before it could struck lightning down upon his mother who could not bare closure with felines. Who will ever expect what will happen to that cat, with it's innocent eyes and all it wants is only food, peace and happiness. Just like humans like all of us who still lives on in this world on two feet, we are but no different from animals, we feel as they feel and they feel as we feel. Just an ordinary day it seems, nothing shall befall upon you in any brink of a second. Ignorant to our own ordeal, we stand before everything without a thought.

      As night falls upon the land, the glimpse of dawn starts their early signals with a crescent of the aurora. There he arrive home safely after drinking rums, there was nothing around him but only the silence of the humans and the choir of the crickets. A chilly night where he saw the same little cat that he met in the morning, it became a social animal friend of him. A playful cat it was, with so much spirit in that little fellow, seemingly optimistic over everything. He made signals and sound to summon the cat to follow him around, the cat came around to him. It follow him across the road but it stopped halfway and lie on the ground. He turn around and saw it rolling on the ground like how all cat's feels good rubbing their back against something. He lays out his hand, and the little cat tries to grasp onto his hand as he kept taking it back to tease the little fellow. He did it again and finally the little cat manages to get a tap on his hand with it's paw. An adorable and innocent sight, like a child free of sins. He walk away to head home but yet he turns around again to call for it to follow him but it did not and kept continuing rolling on the ground. He notices a headlight shining from afar, yes it is the sound of a car. It is moving really fast. He had assumption in his mind that the car will stop as it is an apartment area where speed is not acceptable and it will slow as it comes nearer. The car did not slowed and drove on really fast and in an instant with a dash of a light speed, it ran into the little cat lying in the middle of the road. It wanted to got away but it was too slow. The car sped off being ignorant about what he has ran upon. He stood there watching everything that happen right under his nose, in front of his stained eyes. The cat just got drove upon it's head and neck and it is wretching and twitching and swirling in pain of sufferance. How could he bare his eyes upon that sight, it is already too late, nothing could be done, a certain death for it. He turns and ran back into his home, feeling the guilt and remorse of what he witness. How sad it was to see such grief on such weak petty being. Whilst the strong, dominating and unhonorable indecent beings still live with infinity gold on their hands that continue on with their exploitation of their conspiracy.

      He could save the cat if he did not stood and think and just grab the cat from the road while it is still possible or he could just signal the car to stop. It happen too fast for him to give a thought. The cat died in pain, the horrid expression when it suffers unnecessarily for the sins it never committed. Once in the morning it plays around on the stairs and he look at it but never thought that it was the last sunrise the cat will ever see. The last warmness of the sunlight it will ever experience. The last chills in the night it will ever feel. In that moment when he sees the cat, being as active and cheerful as it always has been, never has he thought it shall in another couple minutes, its life will end under the tyres of a indecent maniacal driver. Once he witness a kitten fall to its death from above right onto the ground few inches from his foot and now he witness a cat being run over by a car. He witness death on a birthday of his friend. 

      Life is unpredictable in many ways, we do not know what will happen or when our time will come. It can be any moment from now, like in a few minutes to 30 second after reading this post. Such things just brings realization that in one day the person you love will have the possibility to be gone from your for good without you knowing it and you wouldn't have a chance to even say farewell. Start to think of what you have done in your life, how much have you contributed for your love ones, how much happiness have you given to people around you, what do you have now and appreciate every single bit of it. Know your moments well and appreciate the "now" moments than thinking too much of future cravings and desire. Use your time wisely with whatever you got for the greater good for yourself or others. Life shall not be led with regrets or remorse, but with righteous glory and purity from within. Whatever that is going to happen, humans shall fall with grace. We all live in a dangerous world now and what we can't see is lurking among us that will grasp the final breath at any period. Watching your backs will not work and being overly cautious with high tech defensive and offensive systems will never work as well.

P.S:  Amitabha...\m/...

The pain that never was...

      Humans are such sad creature to start off with. A material being with an empty soul, to be filled with despair and sorrow as time brings them along a journey they never knew. Some turn their sorrow into evil, some use it for the greater good of themselves. Humans are never perfect in many ways or any ways, they are defenseless and weak no matter how strong they thought they are. Nothing  more than just a pitiful being who seeks empathy from greater power that none of us can see. Desperateness drives them over the boundaries, sadness drives them off the roof, depression leaves them in an unstable trance. But what can they decipher? It is all made out from their own actions and emotions, nothing more than just weaklings who wants to oppress others and seek pleasure and benefits for themselves. All live in their own personal delusions but all with the same cause, the bad thinks they are good and the good thinks they are better, and the better thinks they are the best, the best thinks they are God. Lust and desire, pride and arrogance, high and mighty is what brings the fall upon mankind, the decline of a civilization that was never civilized. Civilized was only claim by themselves while they oppress the barbarics and unacceptable in their point of view, when they claim people must accept people which is just words but never action. Humans speak more than action, speech differs from the heart, and the heart differs from the words spoken. Empty feeble words, broken promises, that is what they do best. Degrading people, hurting each other in any ways, neglecting the truly weaker ones, and thirst for material possession. The traits of the most complex living organism in this planet Earth. Humans live in a state of doubt and paranoia, timid creatures whom feared the scythe of the reaper. As time progresses on to a new age, newer technologies pushes humans to every limits yet complicating life further into a state of mental decline and physical abnormalities. What values does it portray? What benefit does it give to the inner core of humans other than just material pleasures and comforts? No one speaks of that anymore, even the act of altruism this days have an agenda behind every moves of it. Humans are just sneakier, cunning and nastier as the world progresses. Will a new messiah rise for the savior of the souls, or had the truth been concealed once again that in fact the Anti-Christ is originally the true messiah who will save every bit of humans?

The world knows you no longer... In fact, it never once knew you...

      Everyone is mortal, and mortals are humans, and humans ain't perfect in every single way. Not even the Gods. You can tell your lover how perfect they are but you know best how things work and that they are not perfect in every way. The fact is, nothing is perfect, the only closest is near perfection. Humans have many sights and perspective towards whatever they experience, there is no right and wrong but only ethical and unethical, moral and immoral values. Do not force them to believe in what you believe but only let them believe through their own will. If people do not listen, do not force them to listen, let them listen in their own will. If they do not heed to advise, do not force but let them accept with their own will. Through free-will only people could live on with ease and happiness without being tormented and tortured to follow the leader who is never was.
      A thought runs through his mind, that he could no longer continue living for others sake, he will lost his own nature if it is going to be that way for a long period to come. Losing the freedom to give him a chance to embark on something most people do not believe in, confiding in the feelings of others makes him cold towards his ownself, blaming himself for everything that had, has and soon to happen. Being there for people when he could but in the end he receive the cold shoulder and the bitter looks and sarcasm. Being look down upon, strip him off his confidence, as though he do not own the feeling of an ordinary human being. There he goes down on his knee for the people, was it worth it? What benefit you gain from them? It is time to move on, people come and go in life, throw the old and pick the new, start a fresh and rise up to a new level. How much longer can he hold on to it, not any longer he hope, burn the rope and give way to a fallen bridge, maintain the distant, walk away and never look back.
      Being around with people of his choice is the same choice being made by everyone. They do not want to be with people they do not want to be, that is norm from the beginning of time where homosapiens begin stomping the soil of earth. If people do not like a certain kind of humans, they can't expect everyone to think like them. He has his own choice, and his choice is made is solely in his hands of his own fate. Say the words he could not see, like in hell he cares. Draw the picture he could not see, like in dungholes he cares. It does not change who he is whichever side he is with, but only his silent thought remains constant of his own conscious.
      As silent as he could be in his recent days, an invisible barrier caught in between. He doubts the humans, he doubts those he use to trust. It does not seem like what he expected anymore. People change and yes that is how it works, humans are progressive creatures created to progress from one step to the other. The progression made either to be on the left or the right path, whichever it is chosen, nothing much he could do but to just sit, wait and watch. Still the eyes that he could see that shall remains for the rest of his life with eternity and beyond is the eyes of his true brother...\m/...

Rust in Pieces...

      When two worlds in a universe got torn between themselves. Living in contrast with each other, different beliefs and thoughts. What comes to you? A collision that cause a mass space eruption. He is torn between 2 beliefs just like a split personality, a reflection that does not reflect at all, like a devil on the left and an angel on the right. A desire to commit evil and sin, an urge to kill, to hurt people around him is what he intends for from deep within the core of his inner heart when he felt the rage building up upon him. When darkness just shed its skin on him, driven him to temptation to commit desecration on anyone he seems he should place his rage on. A sign of danger to those close to him, for those humans he shall deceive and deceit. Without any compassion and rational thought he just wants to commit evil as it satisfy his sadistic-like intentions.
      A tormented soul he possessed, that lay's unrest. Now he seeks for peace for his soul, to wash away the malevolent stains, he crave himself for spiritual enlightenment, to maintain a balance in soul. He needs to be saved for once not by anyone but by the words of wisdom and philosophy he shall engraved into his mind. A lesson from the unforgotten legend, start the path of a spiritual journey that shall lead him to a new light of darkness. The good darkness shall rise and no, he shall not rot in pieces, but rest through realization and enlightenment.

Denial fiend...out from the dark...

      After all this while, he realize what he truly wants, and whom he truly cares and adores. A period of denial and self-fulfilling prophecy that prophecized something which is not meant to be, something that never existed and never will. A delusion he kept within himself, disperse of into the crimson moonlight. Affirm of the his feelings, what more he do but just could not stop laying his eyes on the one who is far and yet so very far. A stint of absence of the presence which never fades at all, comes the clarion call into his weak mind, body and soul. The eyes met and theres no doubt from what his eyes absorb, the returning essence of what he felt centuries ago. Now come back forth, into his life where it leads him to another path, a path with eternal spots of lights, glimpse of hope and confident spreads itself around the core of his black heart. Leave the past behind, just another lesson to endure. Ahead comes marching an army of newly created hope. He who do not want to leave behind, he who will be there even how far he must be, just a watchful eyes is enough to give him the grace that had long forsaken him. A new beginning to an abrupt end, slowly he shall lift himself from the decaying land, he must not be stopped...

Torn between two...

      When you think you are in love with someone else but actually it is not like how you think or feel. A self-fulfilling prophecy of your own that makes the call of your thoughts and choice. He saw her smile one day and thought how sweet her smile can be, twice she look and smile, and next is thrice the final one she made to him. That twitch comes back again towards her. Yet, a twitch is felt towards the another one he believes he could not grasp hold on, a one that a chance deem impossible to catch.

      What is it that he ask for, whom is the one he could consider his other half? A question sought to be answer one day, one moment, but never now. He has lose all the confidence and might within his inner self, something that a serum cannot put a cure to it. One of the both, whom shall that be? When he thought everything was just a simple crush and that everything is over does not create a logical picture to what he is feeling now. It does not make sense, why must she come back again to his sight. 3 weeks more a start of a new beginning. The story shall be unfold by then. Caught between two emotions. Torn between his very own heart. A mind to spare for this?...\m/...

The left hand path of a right hand mind...

      A subconscious voice speaks to him from beyond, the voice where everyone has for their own. The voice he thought he never had but subconsciously speaking to him in ways no one can decipher.

      The right side said to him: You live your life for others, be selfless and do good for those around you. An act of altruism a day keeps the bitterness away. Do not bother of what others say about you, as long you know exactly what you are doing and you are walking to the right direction. Be positive over the your failure, as a lesson to your next move and steps. Do not have bad thoughts on others, be equal to all no matter who they are. Everyone deserves chances in their life to move on, so do not judge them by just their flaws. Be sincere and friendly to those people around you, do not lie to them and yourself. Do not deceive people or prepare to be deceive. Honesty is the best policy.Do not impose upon others what you do not desire upon yourself. Be moderate, show empathy and mercy to those people who always steps in your way. Give fair judgment and justification to everyone. Respect your elders, respect your friends and your teachers. Remember the good deeds people do for you and those who help you in your way. Repay them back what is necessary. Learn to trust people.

      The left side said to him: You cannot live for others, you can only live for yourself if you want to succeed. Be more selfish than selfless four you to gain absolute power for yourself and not splitting it unnecessarily with others. Do not trust people or never to trust anyone easily even if you know them for a decade or so, people change and they can betray you anytime. Destroy those who comes in your way until the extend of taking lives if you have to. Show no mercy in your actions, only pure aggression and brutality. Soft spots only leads to failure and people taking advantage of you. Dictate the people, be a leader of your own and show them what you are made off. Wipe their blood on your blade if they ever to defy you. Use their help to your advantage, accept every offer and opportunity they give, it is your chance to make use of those in your side. They can be of great tool to you for your success. Fight only for yourself, fighting only four yourself brings out the best in you. Stick to your prinsips. and never let anyone correct your opinions and beliefs. Be true only to yourself and annihilate those who tries to convert you into something you do not desire. Sacrifice what you need for your own, you are your world, and the world is you. Inspire yourself from the traits of the AntiChrist, the new messiah of the new world order.

The matter of choices...it's in your hands...

      This is all solely based on my opinions and thoughts and nothing more, those who find it words from a naive mind and felt offended to what I am about to say, please with all respect leave this mind and never let it bother you because it is the last thing I wish from anyone of you...
    
      Religions and beliefs seems to be an act of indoctrination these days with strong persuasion and force. We must accept what you believe in and do as you say, if not we will not receive judgment on judgment day and we will be doomed eternally in the fires of hell. Words from those that says "Come, join us in our path and you will be cleanse of your sins, accept God and you will be free of all wrong-doings". Everything that has got to do with faith in a God we are not able to clarify it's existence, all we know is actually what he heard and read from various third, fourth, fifth etc parties whom they claim to have come in contact with the holy and scripts that had been brought down to us ever since the dawn of religions...
      Do realize how distorted words can become as it spreads from one person to other and it goes on with a never-ending flow. It will be a totally different tale when it reaches to the ear of the last of humanity, and that is where the lost teachings are found and people will learn only the distorted truth. From the rise of the first messiah who claims to have direct contact with the divine from above brought the lords words to the people and the people start writing it down as scriptures to be brought down to the next generation. Each hand it was passed on to, the words got twisted in a certain manner and as far as time can tell, we do not know how twisted those supposed-to-be holy words of truth are.
      How far it gets with the twisted words, no religion ever thought us to do bad nor hurting others, theres no excuse to condemn religions as it is always a guide for people to do only good in life. To love and care for others, and to achieve what is to be called pure enlightenment in life. It is the people themselves who interpret it the other way round and make things as twisted as it gets. It is all in the hands of humans that they kill and sacrifice for the Lord when it was never stated as an obligation in the holy scriptures. People who despises other people just because they left a religious group, just because they did not attend a class or lecture on that certain religion, just because they do not want to dwell in any further in it, you bad mouth them and give them cock stares for not being part of your petty group of superficial delusions over what you think is right or wrong. Is that what you are taught to be? Is that what your God tell you to do? Is making someone who is not willing from their heart to join you to join you just to satisfy your wants and desire for yourself and that little group of yours? You claim yourself to know a lot more than others, to know the goodness of the Lord and is that what you think the Lord wants from your actions? I feel you are just nothing more than a typical human being who does not want to lose any support for your lil groupies there...
      Everyone has their choice in what they want to believe in, there is no point in forcing them to believe in something they still have doubts. We all live in a sphere of choices where we decide for our own, where we seek our own path. There is no need for your hand to lead the blind as the blind are able to walk on stones of fire and climb the walls of knives without a rope binding on their nose. If that is what someone chooses, do not put them in a situation they do not wish to choose for themselves, let them live up to their feelings and intuition on where they want to go. Dipping in holy water and going through ceremony does not mean a thing when the heart isn't fully there to be awaken and accept  and believe in that faith, it does not symbolizes a thing. If someone needs to follow a doctrine just because they went through the ceremonies, what difference does it make with a mafia-like secret society and religion??? As long you believe in a faith then that is faith where you belong to, as long the heart says so, that is where your stand is at. That is who you really are where you do not need to hide under a mask and faking a smile to those who fake at you. Believe in what you believe in, whether or not you think it is right or wrong in the eyes of those around you, because when it comes to only you, you are the only one in control and no one else. \m/...

The moment that changed it all...

......Today is the date once again, 29th March it is for those who knew which is only the both of us that once remember it so well. Time has changed and yet it is only me sitting in the room awaiting for the clock to tick 12.01am but managed to get on it at 2.50am to state this out. It is only me now who knows and remember it well, better than none, I will be the one to secure this memory where we once share. I will be the one holding the key to the hidden chest where no one sees other then me and only be shown to you.
      It is the date once again where it comes back to me of how it all begins. Without you, I might not be who I am today, the things you taught me where I was once too stubborn enough to heed which I am now in a certain way. You made me thought a lot of how things works and how much I appreciate what was once gone and will always be gone. Through the test of time I endure, I am still standing here showing my gratitude to whom only you know. Unforgettable moments I still own in my mind, imminent happiness was where I once stood, where I truly smile at the grace you shine upon me. You lead me to the a land where non of a nobleman could ever step, but I deep my foot into the soil like any nobleman would. But I will never be a noble in your eyes, not a virtue in your mind, not a soul in your heart.
      No worries there, whatever ought to happen, when all man crumble and get down on their knees to face their judgment, I shall be the last one standing to hold you on until the very end. Just say my name, I will gladly be there at your service no matter what resentment you betrothed upon me. I may not be perfect, I may not be the one, but heed this, you shall thy will always care. That is all what I can afford to do at least for once in hope of getting a glimpse of your smile once again...


It has already been four years since that fateful day, after all that's been through, to me, theres nothing more than words can say. We know we never wanted it anymore... Here are all my blessings I wish for your eternal bliss...\m/...




29th March 2011, 3.13am...

Fiend Defined...

He is born out of the flesh and blood of his parents,

A son of the Earth the same as many others,

A cunning deceiver off all among those who he becomes their acquaintance,

An impostor that never was meant to be,

A master of disguise he could heed,

Like a devious serpent from the Garden Of Eden,

His inspiration from the book of revelation,

People who thought they knew him never knew the ONE,

It is only HIM that they knew but what more could they expect,

A deceptor whom so omnipresent,

With callous heart over his noble physical being.

Never trust in the existence of bliss,

Humans he despised,

Those humans never saw but only the calm and not the storm,

Brings forth the storm he shall to those who provoke inner soul,

Build up from rage, anger and fury,

Wake the sleeping the demon from within and face the wrath of his demeanour,

Humans treat him as they wish but they just could not see oh yes they could not see,

An actor he is on stage to a blurry audience that keeps wondering,

Only to sway their mind away from their impending doom,

In the light fill with smiles,

In the shadow fill with necro obfuscate grim,

Can you decipher the ugly truth?

Who or what is he, only you define... 

Inferno Emotion Of Contradiction...

      Whether it is common or not among many people but He thinks he is one of the most contradicting person ever among his peers and family. Some sort off hypocritical at the same time. He could be there with a smile in front of his friends, giving out a vibrant sense of positivity and bliss from his smile and laughter. He could be there at times to give the best advice to his friends, some say that the words of wisdom are really mature one from someone who is mature enough to thought about it and speak it out. He can be there for anyone who is down and try his best to help them. He can help others but he could not help himself. He cannot put up the optimistic words he comfort others with for himself, what he says contradicts his own dark feelings about the things going on around him.
      Seeing how he does to make the one he cares to feel better after the down they are going through, he is glad to see them moving on with great achievements later on. But deep inside, he is denying a big part of him that is not known to anyone. He tells others not to smoke yet he is a smoker, he tells others about the importance of study yet he is not studying well, he tell others to show their love and gratefulness to their family yet he is the one who hides all his affection towards his family and staying as gloomy figure in his lair. He got too much in his mind to overcome but seems almost impossible to done for. He thought of how little time he was given to fulfill all the needs he want to achieve, as though he was given a deadline to it. A great bridge of trepidation overwhelm his thoughts of despair, something can come at him anytime without him noticing and that shall be the last of him. We do not know how things can be very unpredictable and unexpected. It just comes with a swoosh and you are taken off to "wonderland".
      No matter how much he thinks optimistically of what he should and should not do, it is still hard for him to put to his actions. Actions speaks louder than words, thats for sure and he realize everything he thought and said out before in his lifetime. He realize the fault and the consequences over a matter he does. Yet there he is stranded on that pathetic island of Sauron with the one ring-to-rule-them-all in his hand and do not have the capability to do it. Is he just a coward who stood silently behind the trees in the woods, or just someone who is not gallant enough to take on hard situations eventhough he knows what should be done? His mind sways away, leaving his body standing callously, oblivious to the what is around him. Before he knew it, his world is lit by darkness and darken by light...

Everything is nothing, nothing is everything...

      Do we realize that we tend to call people back-stabbers and commenting about others who likes to shit on people back. Those are like one of the most contradictory statement ever as the saying of someone is a back-stabber actually makes us a back-stabber stabbing the back-stabber back from the back.
     Hypocrites we are, 101% of all population in this world no matter who they are have at least the slightest % of hypocrisy that we do not know. Saying stuff about others but we do the same as well at times, we could not help it but it can't take us out from the term of hypocrisy. Same goes to racism, we like to comment on people who are racist but we do not realize that we too have racism in ourselves. "That guy is a racist..*change topic*..Hey, do you know that area have many blacks?!". We stereotype races without realizing it as well, we go around saying yes 1Malaysia but 1Malaysia in my eyes never once existed for real. We can say we have many Malay and Indian and Chinese friends but when it comes to some controversial issues, we will be discussing by labeling them in some sort of way or rather. When we are mad at some political issues, we will stem up about races who actually contribute the most to the development of the country and to those majority who treats the citizen unfairly, without justice, and those making use of special rights and going around calling others immigrant. Out of anger, we tend to say out our hearts on what we think of the issues by stating out with labeling races and their works. We still can't escape from racism. It will always be there in everyone no matter how noble you are. Look, there's a reason why we are all sinners and theres one Gautama Buddha in this world. We are ordinary human beings who aren't perfect in every single way. We can't be everything, and everything can't be us. We have to reach beyond the limitation of human beings to be something or somewhat or something we could not be.
      The point is that, we are not who we think we are, we are not what we think we are, we are not totally who others think we are as well. There are many things we say or do but do not realize what we are actually doing contradicts to our moral perspective we speak about. The only reflection of ourselves we could not see and it is the largest reflection of ourselves that is kept hidden from our conscious mind. We do things we say we object doing, we say things that we deny from others. We tend to judge others, and others tend to judge us but all of us couldn't exactly judge ourselves. We humans are very un-judgeable among ordinary beings like us in this material realm, perhaps only judgment day could tell the truth about who we are. We are all in one just like how everything is nothing and nothing is everything.

The only one standing...

      Do you realize that you couldn't satisfy everyone in your life? Not everyone can be happy, someone needs to get hurt for someone else to be happy, if not it will be the other way round. You are given a choice to choose between different sector of people in your life especially your friends. Your family are excluded out of it, always try to put them ahead of the rest of all humanity because they are your parents and siblings...
      You have different group friends, everyone is your friends. You are always with the one you are close with yet you ignore the one who is not close to you but yet they are trying to be nice to you because they want you as a good friend of theirs. Sometimes putting on a good impression towards others is not really how it works either especially if that impression to made up intentionally to make you look good. But you are afraid to be too much of yourself as you might lose your dignity and pride to others and you know how the world works around with gossips. Unless you do not mind what others think about you???...Lets say you got a plan with your friends but at the same time another group of friends plan another things at d same period with your plan with the other friends, and another group of friends call you out to follow with their plans. One of the group might not be that close and you might be close to the other 2 groups. Thus, you have to choose between both of them, whatever choices you choose, 1 of the group is going to be disappointed over you and you lose the sense of friendship in them towards you. Inspite every choice you make, there will be one of them to go "Yes, he chooses them over us, we are not as important as them to him...let him be..."...there misunderstands happen and the whole world goes tumbling down upon you.
      So I guess you get the picture of what I am trying to show???... You cannot satisfy everyone you know. But people should understand that they do not own anyone and that their friends got the rights to be friends with others. You can't expect someone to always be with you every single time and being unhappy of him/her to be away with some others for a moment. Things have a balance in this universe, we should know how to balance spending time with any friends around. Yet, at the same time you know clearly in your heart which friends are close to you and those who can really be considered as FRIENDS instead of just friends.Those who you could count on and those whom you could express who you really are without worries.
      Anyway, he chooses whom he wants to be around with and he have his reasons for it. But he will never forget whom his dearest friends who are more valuable than the blazing shimmer of gold, more valuable than words can say and action to show deep down in the black core of his heart.......
    

The reason to wonder...

      He walks in circle, a thousand round wondering wondering and wondering. His mind sways from the sweet barren earth to the bitter stint of lost and contempt. Too many things to do in such a seemingly little time. Too many things want to achieve but the barrier to achievement are too strong to be penetrate. There are many things not going his way to the path he wants to follow. Things always do not go on your way as you wanted or expected. A twist in the myth it is for those who plan their life so well but end up turning to the corner of the world wondering is this what they really want? Some say your life is plan by the higher force of nature who lives beyond our reality, some say things happen for a reason but what reason?
      He is not exactly doing the things he love most now in his life, what he loves most was just blocked away by those he love less. A dilemma that had been reconstructing in his mind and soul continuously without limitation. He might just reap his skull open one day and left for himself for dead under the dim illumination of the lamp post in a dark empty street. The moth shall lay upon his skull and there be his soul dwell within the moth to fly for enlightenment over the orange light of the lamp. Enough of mourning, he shall look ahead for something he couldn't see which might turn out to be a little shed of hope for himself...hopefully...
      On the day of the Friar which is the day of considerably high amount of evil in certain religion context. Ok, what I am actually trying to say is that it is a Friday, the F day. Last F day, Lilin, Reveral and me when to the City Centre to do some snapshots for our assignment which turn out supposedly serious work into fun-come-chaotic hussle and bussle of jam packed situation on the road. It was a really good outing, the down-factor of it is that Reveral and me are still sick. She having her cough and me with my feverish condition, sore throat and loads of those thick greenish infected gluey eeewy phlegm in my nostrils, throat and trachea *simply wanna add more biological term in there for the fun of it, kinda forgot whats trachea is actually*. We hope the picture we took meet the standard of our lecturer who is kind off like a very professional photographer who judge pictures meticulously. I do not have much confident in my pictures, I am not even sure about the characteristic of "bright and dark" and "few and lot". This is really one of my trickiest yet sounded simple but really hard assignment for me. After all is done, I head on the separate ways with them, they took the train while I took the SJ bus. Stood in the bus which remain at the same spot for half an hour plus or so which got me really bothered at that time. I do not have good impression on the city's SJ public bus service. The makcikkk conductor in the bus there keep pesturing all of us to cramp at together by folding up our body so that 1 space can stand 2 humans. She stated "laki laki sana, pompuan pompuan sini, laki laki sana" padahal the sana there are other ladies as well. I do not get what she meant. Then she came towards me and grad both my hands and start tilting me left and right "eh eh dik dik, berdiri cam ni, mcm ni baru orang bleh masuk lg, skrang u masuk dlm lagi". Seriously? .... I couldn't care less, this is how it works here in this country. Still a 3rd world mindset. We are all use to it ain't we? I got off at Amplunged Arena and collected my weapon of death for gladiator practice in a training death camp, our band of brothers did well we were all exhausted and worn out for the night. Got home, long hot shower, strepsils, start summarizing my day and thinking and thinking.
      It's good to see Moca again when we arrive at the City Centre, it has been 1 year plus that we didn't see each other. Good to see her on the right day where she screwed her own bangs.

Sailin'Off...

The return of a new resentment...

      Did you know that being called "fucker" sounds way better than being called an "idiot" or "stupid"? He can laugh it all out like the world could not hear his laughter when being called "fucker" and get swelled from within when being called an "idiot". The FUCK word was once a taboo to be use in ordinary conversation but it does not seem that way anymore as it became a noun and an adjective to anything around the world. It is more of a norm to him and for a lot of those around him whilst the word IDIOT and STUPID is way more offensive than anything. It tells about your mentality, your intelligence that it meant you are good for nothing and penny size fool who just got drop out of a pocket of a beggar. That is how he sees the word. It is more of the in-depth meaning behind it rather than just a word, what to say BASTARD which meant you are a son/daughter of a whore. People try your best not to use the word "idiot, stupid" anymore, break out from that habit as you do not know how much it could hurt a feeling seriously from within. He knows different people sees thing differently but this is for those who will feel like how he felt. Use the word "fuck" instead if you could help it, promote the greatness of FUCK, a universal god-like word that could one day rule the world with a Fuck Salute. Hail FUCK!!!

      Blood pressure checked 2 days ago and he got the highest among his peers which 137 **** whatever the term it is called. Based on the nurse on duty, it is not exactly that really at all yada yada normal as people his age are suppose to be 120 or below. Maybe it is due to the lack of sleep and the high quantity of caffeine he have been INJECTING myself lately with. Or maybe he just thinks too much... Whatever is it, it is better to take precaution early since prevention is better than cure. He do not mind to die *really???* but just not ready to get nag by his grandparents and ancestors and so on in the afterlife...

      There are just too many things going on in his head tonight as usual and one thing that inspired him to write this out, is what he come across not that long ago. He couldn't help himself but to scrawled it out here to ejaculate that shitty thought out of his mind. People could read this thing, but he do hope he manage to get something into anyones soul out there.

      Something he thought he had totally forgotten and let go is in fact the matter that he couldn't forget and let go the most of all. It had been awhile, too much of awhile. Yet he sits there reading it, thinking of it, deciphering it, whine mentally over it, and wonder back why is he having all those not-suppose-to-be thoughts there? The truth is just right in front of his both eyes that couldn't see each other. He reminisce about it once again and knocking his head right through the wall and asking himself and anything beyond him "WHAT DOES THIS FUCKIN MEANT!?" the answer goes like this "Dear bro, yer still do have the feelings there right if I'm not mistaken, you just couldn't accept the fact how you are just forgotten that way, after times and times mentally self-hurting yourself, you still are a stubborn kid who could face the truth but could not handle the truth well enough..." So that is what Sir Davy Jones said to him from his treasure box. Davy Jones sure do know how to nag as well, not bad eh for a pirate lord...Awesome shizzo...Razor wasn't that good in the past nor he is now but he did try his best to content himself from all this. He wanted to do much more for her but just could not proceed on with it, he tried to lend a hand anytime anywhere possible. Not like he wanted something in return, just wondering why she just couldn't see him? A trash right from the stinkiest bed of the ocean he could be to her and just someone who do not deserve shit from anything or anyone. The lowest of the lowest class of human he is who is the scum of all humanoid beings. The evidence just keeps getting clearer and clearer but there is no definite fact out of it, just merely assumptions. But if it is, Razor was just stupid in a way that he is just so stupid he wouldn't mind himself being considered that way. "You can even chop my left hand if you need an extra hand, you could gouge my eyes if you want to play ping pong with it, you can hit me so bad if you despise me that much, you could scrape out my skin to keep you warmer in the cold, you can butcher my shoulder off for you to cry on, you could dig the fuck out of my heart if you need an extra box to keep your little secrets."   You can't turn back the minute hand nor you can turn over again the hourglass, what is said and done is already said and done. Think of your past once again, seek your flaws and mistakes, tell yourself what should you do to make things better. What more can you ask for??? Nothing but for yourself to be happy for yourself and the ones you care...
    

Night of the 3Rs...

      Night of the 3Rs it was at the 16th of February 2011. Remorse, Repent and Redemption. Scwallywags of the humble land of Amplunged traveled to the Connauxia town where they held the longest night market in the nation. Billy and one of his scrubble duck best matey Brixan took a tour of foot swabblin mud splashing  lead into the night market along with maiden Sinissa. The night did not actually begin there, they took a break after all the walking to devour the tender meat they bought at Hex restaurant just around the corner.
      They took a few bottle of grogs until 1 of them start spilling things out unexpectedly, the sign of drowsiness and tipsiness kicks in like a tiger sneaking in the backyard preying upon a harmless lil boy. Despite how Brixan is, a wonderful friend he is to Billy. A friend who cares for a friend but sometime hard for him to accomplish that as he thought he was selfish and so on and on, they are being honest with each other about what they think of each other, Billy still remembers the conversation. Maiden Sinissa got drag into it as a joke item once again but to Billy's apologies, it was just a joke that sounded a lil harsh. It happens all the time which can't be help but really do want to take that out of himself.
     Do humans live life living for others or only for themselves? There are two ways in how people see it, in reality every individuals need to thrive hard and benefit themselves above the rest. Its a world of competition, and nothing is to be taken for granted. Trust not to anyone easily as the most trusted friend could eat you from your ass when you are not looking, because we do not know what others are thinking unless you are psychic or possessed great observant psychological skills to tell every reason of their actions and movements. We live life to face challenges and gain the upper hand above all, be rich, be successful, all for their own benefit. Show not mercy to those who stand in your way, charge like a battering ram charging down Nazis like a Rhino charging towards a horde of insane laughing hyenas. That is reality if people see it that way. Which I see is the fact as well seeing how the world is progressing towards a crazier realm...
      Living life for others is on the other hand. There are many quotations out there stating about a high moral value of living this difficult life. How do humans find true happiness and the greatest of them all. The greatest pleasure of them all is not the having the best sex in the world eventhough I the writer haven't experience the best sexual intercourse with a girl in the world. It is the pleasure of contributing for the better good and towards people around us, seeing them happy through our acts are consider a divine pleasure one will ever felt. Why so? Doing the good and making others happy is way harder than being bad and evil. One could just go out and smack someone in the face and tell him/her "You look like a fucking ass whiny fuck slut who have a bastard mom with a wanker dad who sleeps around with sluts like your fucking good for nothing mom!!!" It is like a snap of a finger, you can go out and step on lil ants and bugs without feeling much of a remorse, you can go and show a middle finger and say FUCK YOU in their face, you hurt their feelings by giving the slightest insults. Moreover, humans are hard to please, they tend to see the bad and forget the millions good other humans do. You are sincere, you are honest, you do what's best for them all the time though the light years that past and a single mistake could throw you into the depth of hell and you will forever be remember of your single bad deeds and not your uncountable good contributions. You will be disgraced, disrespected and dishonored by your fellow mateys. This is how ugly the world can get, this is how pathetic many humans can be, and that is why many chose to abandon ethical and moral values when facing this reality to achieve their highest state of goals. They might have lost faith in doing good deeds and getting shit at their face in return.
      The act of altruism is one of the hardest thing to do in life, many of strong desires as they expect good things in return for the deeds they do. Which usually do not happen that way, helping others comes straight from the heart with pure sincerity no matter what you get in return, you did something the ordinary eyes could not see. Living your life for others is an act fill with ethics and morality which we could hardly see this days in anyone, not even monks and pastors at religious shrines think that sort off way anymore. It is hard to sacrifice something you want or need for the sake of others, its this self-centered aura within almost every human beings that defeats the act of altruism. What can we conclude out of it, humans are weak being going through development and growth every second, their soul fog by lust and desire, to succeed with the pleasure of having gold in their hands which could not bring forth to their grave. Having external pleasure is not achieving tr happiness, have a thought of what you have been doing, how have u treated others, how much have you contribute for the higher good, how much help have you given out, how much sacrifices have you done which is not for yourself?...This difficult realistic life blurs the vision of almost every human, self treasure is what comes first. Each phase humans go through are fill with challenges, it is easier to walk away on your own than to carry a burden on your back, you may then have all your glory but worth does it give by leaving a man behind? Carry the burden of others while helping them to walk along with you is the hardest challenges around, not everyone are willing to do so as not one could achieve everything in a single go...Anyhow, will-power is one of the seven keys... It is your choice to choose, whatever your path leads you to, hope it leads you to where you want it to be. But do at least think of the others who once help led you there that you abandoned, especially your parents...This is all easier to be said than done, the fact is that no one is perfect, our heart is moved by many things...even the one who wrote out this post...
  

Before Christ, After Death...

The major blockbuster spin-off story of Billy shall be unveil in this all new blog of emptiness. Do not mind the casual and simple design so far, more to come once I found a more skillful person in doing blog skin and stuff like that. The fourth blog about Billy it shall be as he takes himself away from the old forgotten but not so forgotten so called misery crap to the words of total world destructing domination to new world order and calm and serenity.

      Those words above should be read by the late Don Lafontaine, it might sound really ONE-MAN-ONE DESTINY-EPIC voice trailer there. Nothing much of a tale to be scattered in this post, await the la grandieur return of Billy with a new face, new voice, new smell, new hair and pubes, new attitude, new ear wax, longer shit than his longest shit in the bowl, lamer than ever. Fall of the Billy before christ, rise of the TerroRazor after death. New journey, new adventure, one destiny, and one dick to rule them all. Clear the lands as the razors blaze with a grands, now it is time to bang your head as if you are up from the dead. Pound to the ground like the skin tore from the hound. Victory in doomnation is the enlightenment.

      Brace yourself to be dwell in this simple mind as it won't be as simple as it seems. Get twisted and reaped like it nobody's business. Lead your thought to the place that it seems, at the same time it is not like what it seems. Go through the six hundred and sixty six days in the 9 level of crimson flames, there you will see yourself holding on to your "ring", your true nature bring you to the depth of insanity with the greatest sanity of life... Look and decipher the ugly truth...