Through Ashes And Dust, A Penitence Of Time Part 2...\m/...

       10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, 666 times and so on we tink to ourselves how much we will change. A better tomorrow, a better future, an improvement of yourself, that is how you could feel without much of a burden around your shoulder, and when things go so well your emotions make it feel like those bitter past have gone and you improve to your better bidding. Just because you are not in it anymore, does not mean you are an improvement to yourself. An imrpovement to yourself is going through the same shit or a greater shit than before and seeing how you perform and cope with it during the current moment that tells of how capable of you are today and right now in this very moment. There are past so bitter, that no matter how much sweets or sour plums you take in will not kill the bitterness that resides in your taste bud. When the past is so bitter, it forms a set of thoughts and beliefs within your mind and heart, that culminates into your feelings and thus make of yourself today, a product of your past, a lesson you may learnt too much of it, that you are being hyper sensitive to not have things being repeated or having the taste of the bitterness you once had before.
      It is not like you wanted it to happen, but the fact is within your very own self, how you are today is what you experienced and learnt from the past, it is matter of fact whether you learn it in a good way or a bad way, whichever you define it is good or bad for yourself. It is not surprising how an innocent and good being can be polluted by dirt and darkness and forms himself the villain he is today or should I say cold and darker self of him/herself today. How things can force a pure being to think and act out of bitterness from their past. Once he/she was not like how they are, it is surprising to learn that some villians have a great and pure past than they are today, but after things go awry and wrong for them, they got betrayed, hurt and pushed to the limits of themselves (humans have a limit to themselves, breaking the boudaries of it can cause great harm to oneself, like the saying goes, too much of something isn't good) and gets them out of their naive state. They see more and they hear more, being more cautious and losing trust among people. So to say naive can be good or bad in a way of how you place that term in a situation. People loses trust in others due to their past of betrayals and lies, especially by those they trust so much to be cheated in the end. People loses faith in people because of how they are treated and being mistreated in a way that they find other people are not reliable anymore. Until a day comes when they will realize not all things are like how they seem. But like I said this kind of situation makes one a little more sensitive than usual, with a situation that gives them back the same old feeling as before, that they could not trust or makes it difficult to trust. One that got thrust into the heart of darkness from the foul being of others, is something that makes it harder to endure as all live their life among the living and until the end you live among them and die among them..........

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Into Oblivion...

      What is common of the words of many that one must not keep gurdges, one must let go of vengeance from their heart. One must make peace and not war. One must learn to love than to hate. One must free their soul and mind from all hatred of all kinds and learn to make peace with any of them. No matter how much you make peace with your hatred, there is always a fragment left behind, malignant like a cancer cell that spreads and grow like tumor in the body. Vengeance is neverending, once you took your vengeance, another vengeance is created towards yourself, a cycle that keeps on repeating until one calls for a truce and repent for their own actions, and break the cycle of vengeance. It is foolish they said to keep grudges towards people, it only puts yourself in the shoes of defeat in the very first place while your enemy lives on happily and laugh in your face of disgrace. Vengeance does not heal, even you had your vengeance, what you once lost is lost and you never regain it back as how it is. Hatred as the core to those to vengeance similarly does not brings any satisfaction to you once you put those you hated in harms way, and strip them of their happiness. It adds to your sin and makes things worse around you, you created a dark patch within yourself that constantly grows until it takes you down into the deep abyss of your life. The hell you created by your own. Nothing is solve, things remain the same. Hatred goes back to you and you pay for what you did and you want another payback to them.
      So it is said that no matter what nothing will be solved, but in the very essence of the human souls, created of darkness that lies within. The very morbid reality that you live, a reality without the law, where things can go the way you wanted to, it is inevitable to your thoughts of carnage that it created. The thought of those you hate keeps you in anger and hatred, no matter how much you calm yourself and make peace within your mind, there will always be something relative that erupt the sleeping volcano in you. Unsatisfactory it is as long they are alive, how much you evade, their existence brings nuisance to you. What keep you happy and contented after hatred is the dispel of their existence from this very realm you live in. How can one agree to such deeds of the flesh, but put one in your thought of your own, on those people who done you wrong and those you hated, without their existence, how much better off you will be in this realm where such existence you hated does not exist anymore. In the mind, the thought of those you hate disappears from the mind, thinking how much better it would be if they are not around, killing in your thoughts, how you wish they could be killed off without leaving a trace, how you wish you have the guts to perform such despicable act to those. Or the act of righteousness of your own. One can only be truly satisfied by the killing of another person, dispel of their existence and your hatred once and for all. Nothing remains but their memory which will fade to black once they are gone. The smile on your face, the true smile that lies within your heart, ecstatic as you can be, a sense of overwhelming euphoria that puts in you in the biggest cloud 9 you can get, on that very moment once you see their blood in your hands, lying motionlessly in the ground where they lay to waste. The destroying of an existence, wiping it out from the face of the earth, grants one of the greatest happiness one could get, the relief of their hatred, a medicine to their pain, the satisfaction of their non-existent that will not be off any trouble anymore, it may seem morbid to think about it but to try to think about it, and one can feel the smile from the heart which they never will know (but hatred could be dispel back on you by the dead man friends and love ones, that explains why the puunishment of the annihilation of the bloodline and genocides and mass killing and massacre). Denying of the fact that comes with the effect of good and evil, what we were taught that is ought to be done by society and religion. "Thy shalt not kill" to place a seal on the action of humans, to create peace and harmony, to seal off human true primitive nature. One can still never escape the blissful thought of relieving hatred and vengeance by wiping off their existence and anything that got to do with it.

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Through Ashes And Dust, A Penitence Of Time...\m/...

      There are those people with a past that they can't hold behind, that puts them in the light of their present. There are those who can't forget but yet they forgive. The common lore of forgive and forget, but without both of them playing a role together, nothing of value is made from it. Most forgive but never forget, as certain period of their life, they resent of what happens before their very sight of life, some experience it deeply that entrance them into a waking dream or nightmare if you may put it that way. Thus there are those who forget but never forgive, sealing themselves away from a past that they do not want to remember because they can never forgive those or maybe themselves from any occurrences that befalls upon them. Such grave mistakes that takes them out into their present, they seal it off and act like it never happen, putting on a fake smile and staging an act of memory loss towards that particular fragment of time.
     But the truth is, if one could not get over any of those, neither to forgive and never forget or forget but never forgive, one is still holding on to both concepts of to forgive and to forget. When it happens, it is like an unseen scar that never leaves them, how it stained the purity of their soul and one could not take back what they have done and all could one do is to redeem themselves and learn from the things one goes through. To forgive, is a noble act so to say, forgiving those who have hurt you, those who have done great harm, those who took away your life, your soul, your essence, your dignity and pride and gives you living hell out of the dirt you stand, to withstand all this doings upon your very life does great victory to one and creates one noblest act to be done. To let go off all pain and suffering, you forgive them and you forgive yourself as you walk down the unforeseen path. If all could be done how easy the world shll be at, but no, almost near impossible to be done as to forgive is to suffer. As so stated in lyrics by late Chuck Schuldiner in the Death song he wrote 'To Forgive Is To Suffer' from the album The Sound Of Perseverance (1998):

"Throughout our time a thought,
Escapes us to enforce a word, no,
Holding on to pain it may seem to some,
The easy way to say ok, twist your,
Knife a little deeper,
Words so sharp actions darks,
Hide the blade of the deceiver,
Enforce the words no more, be free,
Alone you might just find serenity,
To accept another day we choose,
To give away another piece of life,
To forgive is to suffer,
 Once or twice is kind,
Three or four is blind,
It is not the end yet a way to begin,
The power of words both good and bad.'

A song with a thousand meaning by a perspective of billions, how one sees it is up to them to see. But it says it all in a general theme of forgiveness, to forgive is to suffer, to let go a piece of your life to your enemy, to the ones who have wronged you, that puts you in such dark days as you never knew. He comes forth with a solemn of despair, that it will never be the same again. Humans are full pride and egoism is their trade, to forgive is to let go of hatred and all those guilty pleasures of violence that consumes your very thought. It feels like defeat, you feel you have fallen on your knees to those scums. You feel you lost everything of your pride, your life is gone. It hurts so much to forgive that one choses not to forgive, keeping the grudge feels like a drug. Without forgiveness, no one can forget the pain.

      To forget but never forgive, the act he feels deem right to his honour as a person. But just a lie he made to himself, living in a reality created by his own, that everything is over, nothing left in his memories, all fragments are swallowed up in time, that never it will repeat again, but once it occured a sense of dejavu, the old feelings comes back to haunt him, splitting out a personality so dark, that he sees himself talking to his shadows, shadows  created from his past. He resent, he angered, he never forgive, but what is it that he never forgive is what he forgets, feelings of unforgiven dust shrouded his emotions and mind but nothing could he get a clearer picture off, but in time, in time shall it all be clear to him once again. And nothing remains of himself in the present. Welcome back to the reality you belong, or should be said ONCE belonged. When one never forgives, no matter how much one says one forgets everything, let it be forgotten, one just want things to be left behind and to escape from the darkness he resented and angered, one will never forget how he was wronged. Haunts from the past, takes over his present. Forget with all your heart contents, but never forgive once and nothing is truly forgotten.

      Without fulfilling all, nothing is fulfilled. Forgive and forget and act of letting go and accepting yourself as you are, and so be it your very best at your present times, learn and take note, do it with full care together with a straight mind and heart, one thus then fulfill a part of enlightenment in life. To forgive and forget is one of the highest and difficult victory one could achieve, an act so virtuous that it brings down the foe you once condemned so much to their knees. Forgive and forget, a noble act, and nobility comes with a price to pay on your subconscious ego. Understand and know where you stand...\m/...

Amidst...\m/...

There was the time where one do not think much of a concern over matters. There was the moment where one does not give a damn of what is going on. There was the moment when nothing was of your concern and everything goes with the flow as how you ride on with the wind. There was a moment when everything is just so pure and free that one could smile without a cause and a reason.

The moment that was once so less enduring, so little of what is to bother. Hearing the tick of the clock, seeing the dust in the illumination of a light. Everything in the consciousness of what is happening at that very moment. How the test of time have devour those capabilities. The reality that is to be known, to be labeled by many but to a few it was not. The path of growth, to the end of growth, one face the each moment and ever increasing to what is to be thought. Distractions, complications, feud, conflict, discontented etc etc etc, had it not create a wall to how one should truly live. This is the reality of what is spoken of by many, being bothered and to bother once again and again repetitively, never to be solved because of what we seek for ones survival until all became into the likes machines, many became the same as one another. Survival, to stay alive and to stay in comfort, happiness is gain when one is happy, but never happiness could occur to one when all around them are discontented. A plague of emotions, a plague of expectations seek by the society.

A wall is built by you, you are built by society. To create a reality in what you live in created by non other but those around you. Have one lost the sense of reality to a parallel reality? Embody the pressure of what is around you, by what you want but not you need, or what you think you need which is just your wants. To put yourself in a situation where there is no way out, to choose one for the other, to choose a matter over matter or to have all in your grasp. Have we lost the sense of freedom where we once felt a decade back or so? As one ride into the new world order of their age, will be the moment that define them as a person of what they ought to become. What they ought to choose to do. One tend to miss out the true essence of their own amidst the chaos that ensues...\m/...

Vague...\m/...

The deep hollow grave,
Once dug it was,
To the morning glory it once shown,
Down upon my throne,
In the wake of a gentle calm,
Ride on the saddle that I mount,
Traverse the land by foot,
The sea by ship,
And the sky by wings,
To ride forth to the fountain of dreams,
Where I see myself flow with the streams,
Down once again it fell through the rocks,
It is where I lay to rot,
For I fall deep into the hollow grave,
A never-ending fall from my grace,
Shadow in the mist of vague,
Where everything was in vain,
Fade to black my demise is met,
In the hands of emptiness,
I lie there motionless...\m/...

Nothing more, nothing less...\m/...

Making a rule, things that is supposed and not suppose to be done, an obligation to be done just to satisfy on how it is supposed to be. Never make a rule for that, we do not live by rule, never was there a rule in the first place, rules are made by humans, and humans like anyone of you out there, are creatures of the same bones, flesh, blood with different genetic cells and forms. There was never once a rule before someone made the the first move to form it into a constitution and a law that we must obey, if not, we shall be judge by the people who are made out of the same material as us, those beings, equal as we are, just difference by intelligence which could be formed in anyone is nothing more nor nothing less. Who are they judge us, who are they to tell us who shall live and who shall not, if they judge us, what judge them? Who are they to play supreme by having the ascendancy of judging the life and death of a convict? Who are you to punish, humans are not given the authority by anything powerful or divine, but by the law itself which is also man-made, by humans. What makes you different than a murderer? Just a mere mortal who is given the authority by another mortal does not give them the rights to judge anyone especially the life of others.

      There was never a rule, humans came into this world without the order of any being, but by the power of evolution, creatures, mammals, apes that evolve in 2-legged beings we are. Books are written by man, words are said by man, teachings are given by man. A rules set to be followed, a norm to adhere, is still not an obligation for humans. Humans live in a sphere of choices, which is their very rights from the very beginning of humanity. Nothing more, nothing less. They adhere to the norms or not is still a choice of their own, if they so-called break the rules, the problem is theirs, any consequence shall only be faced by them and not to us to judge and condemned. Take it by your own hands, kill them on your own, and killing is not a rule either…

There was never a rule,

Only ethics from the heart…\m/…

Only courtesy...

      We apologize for the things we have done, things that have wrong others or offended others. We apologize for our mistakes, we apologize time and time again for the wrong we did. To say sorry once and once again because there is nothing you could do, the only thing you could do is to say that you are sorry. That is only what we think and what we feel from the surface...

      Saying sorry means more than just admitting your mistakes and repent for what you have done. It is more of a way to obtain permission for the actions you did or going to do, putting commands in your actions that you will do it no matter what, or just a formality or courtesy to perform the actions you are about to or have done. We know we will be sorry yet we still do it, people know it is wrong and they still perform it, why to say sorry later when you can prevent it. Sorry became a word of courtesy or indication that you will do it over your dislikes. To lighten things up you say sorry after what you have done and expect things to go the way you wanted to, or you say sorry before doing it to impose a position where no one have a say to your actions and you will still do it despite any consequences.

      Sorry became a word of permission or to tell people in a nice way that you are doing it out from your own wants and needs, to satisfy your internal pleasure and that you are a being who is full of yourself and cares about your own egotistical mind. It puts a person in a state where they got no choice whereas in the end it is their choice to do it, and sorry is being used to solve everything. You know what you going to do will bring consequences and you say sorry for doing it, which does not mean you will not do it, you will still do it out from your own wish and pleasure. The meaning of sorry does not put one in a state of remorse or repent anymore. But a word to impose your own order, a word of courtesy to what you are doing, an indirect permission that no one can object. When one says they are sorry, look deeper in their words and actions, you will see more than just a sorry, it was never a sense of realizing their own mistakes because they will still do it again and again and again, and by using the word sorry is just another way of courtesy to your actions. Never was it meant to tell that they truly learnt their mistakes, they never did learn a thing...\m/...

      

The Eternal War...\m/...

      Humans know the art of achieving happiness, we know the reason behind every depressing thoughts that comes, we all know the removal of attachment, the cure to every reason to be sad. How much motivation can one read, how much advice can one absorb, how much words can you devour, but nothing, it all comes in vain. Without a conscious, humans are swayed by the air of of thoughts that grow into emotions. The eternal battle that wages on, the one man war, for all ages is against their very own reflection.
       Looking into the mirror, you see your very reflection staring back at you, what does it says to you, what does it signifies to you, is that you in the parallel realm of the opposites, the alternate you that reflects what is bounded within your existence. You tell yourself how you ought to be, but what is stopping you is you yourself that comes to speak. So to speak, we are all alone, no matter how many people we have around you, all you got is yourself to choose and see between the lines of your life. You feel the satisfaction of being around people, you laugh and talk and have fun in every situation, but what does it represents only the one that the speaks of his mouth and not his heart, no matter how much friends we got, the family we have, we are still lonely beings who would just ourselves to our own world. he falls into his hollow years of decay, an abyss of his own. Feeling everything around him, yet to know that he is all alone contemplating the order of his existence. Everything is nothing, and nothing is everything.
      Loneliness the essence of thoughts. Loneliness the purification of the mind. Loneliness the detachment of emotions. Loneliness that fills the empty vessel. Loneliness provokes imaginations. Loneliness the source of illusions and delusions. Loneliness the decisive of what you ought to choose to be. Being alone is one that is hard to bare, nobody wants to be alone. Nobody wants to feel the dilemma between them of who and what they are. Being alone is facing your demon, the painstaking emotions that disturbs, you talk to yourself silently or aloud, you feel lost in the midst, nothing is there that could help. What you think might be the cure, is nothing and no one but your very own self. Humans find companionship in one another to keep themselves happily alive, living in lies, succumb to false happiness was never a cure, it is nothing but self-escaping from the reality of your inner self. Everything is dwelled withint you, the problems that occur, you take it on your own. Holding it back, suppressing it in your guts, you feel your need to regurgitate but you hold it back to. You open your mouth, nothing comes out but a choking sensation. The torment you put yourself through, when it could be done by just releasing it calmly from the mind, and to clear your soul. One feel the need to be depress, the need to feel down to satisfy what your mind wants. You complain of how terrible you felt when you let it come upon yourself. You open the door to sadness. You never realize but you are enjoying what you are going through. A sense of masochism of your emotions. You place yourself from illusions to delusions. You never care of anything that goes around you. You let yourself sit in the corner of your large room and go through a sense of claustrophobia from your thoughts and feelings.
      The worst enemies comes from loneliness, the battlefield of our own shadows. The battle of our own mind, body and soul. Only one who could defeat him/herself shall they deserve the qualification to help others defeat their own demons. Never be a hypocrite of telling others what to do and you could not do it on your own. Overcome your loneliness, make it as a partner of yours who will go through every single moment of hardship and happiness. Embrace your ever existence with compassions of your own. In the end we are all lonely creatures, we are originally of our own. Never can you escape this reality because it will always end up in your very own mind and soul. Where the decisive choice is made, is who you ought to be. To be alone, or to be one with loneliness...\m/...

Bearer of pain, and suppression of selfishness...\m/...

      Love, the thing that humans seek, ever since they are born, love is what adolescents drive themselves crazy for, love is what people aims. Nothing more but material satisfaction to their life, when all they want is just a partner to be with, to claim that is love, is something too much to of a word to describe. Love is undescribable, love no one could tell, love is simple but at the same time it transcends everything from the simple mind of humans. Exploited by the media, which uses the theme of love in almost every shit of their production, makes thins such a cliche in love. Yes, humans may cry to their hearts content to the touching story of love, wishes to be in the same position as those characters they saw, its too surreal to be true, love was never such a nice thing like what humans see, nothing of friendly to humans, nothing like what humans think it is. True love, who can tell, what can tell?
      The only true love that can really consider to be pure and true, is the love of parents to their child. They have love you ever since you're in the mother's womb, mothers goes through the average 9 months of carriage, in the period of it suffers from attack of kicks and vomiting, morning sickness and temper management, yet they still carry on until the end, until they bear the pain of having you out into this world. The moment you are out is the moment they sacrifice everything for your sake, both father and mother, sacrifice everything for your well-being, in hoping for your life to be better in the future, nothing more but for your well-being, never ask for anything in return and willingness to give and keep on giving in the expense that you will do well. How they might treat you, or wicked they may seem at times, but deep inside how can we tell, how much they care. If you think they do not care or love, they wouldn't have raised you up in the first place, giving you the clothes to wear, and the food to eat, a bed to sleep, a home to stay.
      Love between 2 people, as humans call it, in a relationship, couple, a pair or whatever you want to name it. Stating each time to each other "I love you". Each claim they love each other, but what do they know about love? Are they certain they are really in love with one another. The love that can be said so simply out of nowhere, so simple yet deep, can one imagine that love is actually more than love itself? If love is that simple, you can love anyone, you can be in a relationship with anyone. Anyone is the same as everyone to you, just something part of your life and everything.
      It takes one person to determine it all, you need that person because it is that person, you want to spend time with that person because it is that person, you want to take care and protect that person because it is that person, the only individual. Until the time the love comes in, it will be hard to say you love the person because one will feel that it is more than just plain love itself, love you can love anyone, feelings can come anyone, but only when this one particular person that stops the time you live in at the very moment you stand in. This love is transcendental, it transcend everything you think is love. When it just comes at the point where all you want is just for that person to be happy. It may seem idealistic to say this, but it is the reality to love, the reality that is vague or blinded by many. This transcendental love is unconditional. Love is unconditional, no expectations, and just give your best for that person. Everything in hoping for her/him to be happy no matter what. The love that you are willing to sacrifice your own happiness and wellbeing just for her/him. To let go off her/him for their happiness. Yes, love is unconditional might sound a little cliche and common to the ears and eyes of many, but how many is able to do it, is to able to bear the pain for one. The pain and sufferance is never the burden, only you yourself is the burden but never of the love of you to that is a burden, it is the will of your heart, your innermost soul that you want them to be happy all the time. Even in what state you are in, it is still her/him to come first. One can never be hurt, one can never feel the sadness, one can never expect, one can only be happy just for that one person, only to bear the pain of the consequences of your sacrifice.
      To love, is not to love him/her for who she/he is, but to love her/him for her/him himself/herself and nothing more. There is no such thing as "I love you for who you are", no matter what she/he becomes it is still who they are just that they grow out of their older self into another personality, which is also who they are. Unless you expect them how they are to be. Acceptance and not tolerance, realize, awareness that brings up to understanding. Just give and never expect anything in return, love is always without expectations naturally. It might seem hard to achieve, but when the time comes it will just gradually grow from within. Love is the bearer of pain and suppression of selfishness...\m/...
   

In between truth and delusion...

      Have we ever thought, the world is made by our minds, our imaginations, our perceptions, the world we live in is the world of our own with a few connection to certain people that seems to comes into play with our mind and imaginations. We create our own world, our life, our experience and our senses and we create what we want to see and hear. This life is our own, we create through our mind and senses, this is the reality we create but not the reality we dwell in most of the times. Mindless delusions, comes forth, brings upon sorrow or pain, false happiness and many more. Mindless self indulgence of an unseen ecstasy that makes it way into our mind. What is seen is perceive differently into our mind causing us to over react and create an all new version and story of it, our inner masochistic emotions, taking joy over the pain and sorrow we felt. Deep inside, you like to feel the world coming down upon you, you like the feeling of sadness and depression taking its toll over your petty self. You create your own self-delusion of what is happening, what was never true is true within your senses, you take the sadistic joy of letting it out on others. 

      Humans create their own world through their minds, what happens around them and what they see is interpret by the mind each held on strongly. Emotions are develop and brings back long felt memento and develop a sense of an old-self back into the present self. With that, it makes humans to develop their own sense of delusion that was never true, they see and hear what they think it is true and develop a concept of self-predicting story of what is happening and what is going to happen. You enclose it deep within yourself, you stay within your world, you trap yourself in a world of deceit and deception. You take this upon others, believing that everyone is deceiving you. You ruin the one who you really are, drive yourself into insanity and put yourself in solitary confinement.

      Lies puts one into delusion, and lies by others and lying to yourself, making yourself believe in a lie and live in your own world of lies. False happiness, faking bliss out of everything. You never see it and never will, we live and think how we want it to be and be kept in that way as long as time could tell. It is one of the greatest torment is that you do not see or realize its a torment to your soul. You do not want to accept and know that you had already lose everything you got, you do not want to get back to the reality beyond your very own reality.
      Another form of delusion forms from your past, puts you in a zone of discomfort and insecurity, you think people had always been betraying you, and you are being betrayed all the while, you are being lied upon. You take away all those trust upon others, putting yourself in a high degree of doubt, doubt that never was. You place yourself in doubt of others, when everything is not like what it seems to be playing in your mind. Being deceive by your emotions, letting it take control over your heart and mind. Thus like an old film replaying itself all over again in your mind no matter how much assurance you're given, you still ask the same old question when it will always be the same because it is the pure truth and you do not give in to that, in sufferance you dwell in your own mind. Full of attachments, never free, and never will...Only a larger sacrifice could be done...or only time can tell...\m/...

Never expect,

Never demand,
Never assume...\m/...